In the early 2000s, I was struggling with underemployment, chronic respiratory illness, and severe depression. I thought about what I could do to encourage others; and I decided to produce a CD of my original music. I also decided to digitize my original recordings that had been made on four-track cassettes for the sake of safe-keeping.
Learning to use the software that I needed to produce music with multiple tracks on the computer took a lot of time. It was not entirely compatible with the program that read my computer screen out loud to me; so I spent a long time learning simple things that a sighted person would see right on the screen and do quickly. Beginning in 2004, I spent long days at the computer, figuring out what to do and working through one song at a time. Since some of my songs had multiple layers of instrumentation and vocals, the work was long and I did not get near to the end of the project until 2006.
As I was nearing the end of the project, several things happened. First, I was diagnosed with polyps throughout my sinuses, and I had surgery to remove them. The polyp diagnosis explained why I had so many infections that were difficult to recover from. I stopped singing for several months while my sinuses healed. When I sang again after the recovery time, I cried. My voice sounded completely different, and I was afraid to sing on the same CD with any music that I had recorded prior to the surgery.
Second, I applied, and was accepted, to start work on my M.Div. at Anderson University School of Theology in the fall of 2006. Doing this would require me to have access to a scanner and a way of reading books aloud.
Third, disaster happened to my equipment. In June, 2006, a strong storm came through my area, and lightning struck near my house. The resulting power surge damaged my four-track tape recorder, rendering one of the tracks useless. This meant that I could no longer digitize any old four-track recordings.
The surge also damaged my recording computer. I lost a good deal of my CD work, though a few things had been backed up. Additionally, my 12-year-old scanner experienced a malfunction and was not able to be repaired.
I felt deeply discouraged. How was I to replace anything? I was living on a very small fixed income from Social Security Supplemental Income, which is available to people with disabilities who are not employed. I prayed and asked God what I should do. Was all my hard work for nothing?
Soon after these things, I received a blessing. I received some back pay that was due to me but which I did not expect to arrive for many months. I used the money to replace my damaged equipment; and in late 2006 I began to record again during small slices of time. It is hard to record while working on seminary papers; but occasionally I played a song or filled in pieces of songs that had not been preserved in backups.
When Windows 10 was released, the software I had been using was discontinued. I made my last recordings with Windows 7 in 2015. It is now time for me to learn new software in order to finish the project that I began so long ago.
Learning the new software has prompted me to think about the attitude that I hold toward the person I was in 2004-2005. I not only felt badly about my future, but I felt badly about myself. I did not respect the fact that I worked hard. I saw myself as I thought other people saw me: a person who did nothing at home all day. I didn’t keep record of how I spent my time or what I accomplished.
Today I realize how hard I worked to master something new and use it for good. The recordings that I made during that time deserve to be preserved. They are testimony to my faith that God provides and work done in the dark will be honored.
If you are in a place of darkness, keep record of the things you accomplish each day. Don’t treat yourself as you think the world sees you. Know that God sees, and God provides at just the right time. If you suffer for a time, it is not because God has forgotten you. It is only because God’s timing is never wrong, and God is with you even in this darkness.
Music Clips
If you like these samples, please stay tuned for full songs you can purchase, and send your friends to my site.
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Sara thank you for sharing! I think I always deal with depression to a certain degree even on medication my psychological issues Affect my life more so than my physical problems from cerebral palsy I know you don’t like it when people call you amazing or say you’re inspiring but you are and I hope someday You will be able to embrace those kind of comments instead of being uncomfortable people call me inspiring and amazing and I say thank you I say thank you because it is truly amazing that I could take care of myself with all the physical problems I have it’s not easy and I do think it is pretty amazing about how I have adapted Throughout my life as some of my difficulties progress
I hope you’re not offended when I say you’re amazing and inspiring my prayer is that you embrace those terms because like me you face so many obstacles and you always get through you have accomplished so many things just like I have and it feels good to me when people call me amazing there was a time in my life that I would not have believed it but now I have a better perspective of myself and what I have been through so now like I said I just say thank you I am going to listen to your music tomorrow Stay safe and be well! Forgive me if I have a Lotta mistakes here it is hard for me to fix them here