Kevin and I have a cute little table for two in our kitchen. It was a housewarming gift from my parents; and it has become our primary eating place when we do not have company. We also enjoy our morning coffee and our evening snack there. Sometimes during our table time, we listen to a POCCast together on his IPhone. Often, we end up discussing something one or both of us have read in a book or seen online.
A few weeks ago, we were discussing the fact that many people are choosing to cohabit rather than to marry. Some seem unsure whether they are ready to commit; and some seem to feel that marriage is not necessary to prove that they love each other, that it is just a legal formality they don’t want or need to go through. These observations led us into a discussion of the reasons why we chose marriage.
“Why did you get married?” This is a question that people asked me often last year, especially those who got in touch with me after a long time and were surprised to learn that I was recently married. How, exactly, should I answer that question? I stumbled over it a lot, especially since I had been in a previous marriage. I find that it is easy to say “I love him” but much harder to explain why I think I can do this again and mean it.
Kevin and I remained in a long distance relationship for several years before we decided to marry. Neither of us wanted to take this decision lightly. However, we reached a point in the relationship when we realized that staying apart in the name of being cautious was becoming ridiculous. We might be cautious for so long that we found we had wasted what could have been our lives together. What we were really doing was avoiding what we feared–and denying the truth about it.
We began to admit that it was all right to need one another’s companionship–socially, spiritually, and physically. We needed to talk to each other over coffee, to hug each other in times of distress, to care for each other in times of illness, to laugh together in times of joy, to eat together, to sit and read together, to worship in church together… While both of us had the ability to live alone, neither of us felt whole. I was cautioned against marrying in order to avoid aloneness. However, I remain convinced that recognizing these things was healthy for us. In combination with other aspects of our relationship (e.g. the things we enjoyed together, the fact that we maintain our own separate interests which prevent enmeshment, etc.) led us to a healthy decision about marriage. Marriage is a decision that we made based on desire to be together, recognition of need and ability to care for one another, and commitment.
We could have done what many people do. But what would have been the point? If we loved each other, the good and right thing to do was to honor each other with a commitment–and to do it in front of people we loved. Furthermore, we knew that in order to keep our commitments to each other, we also needed the support of those we loved. I think that one of the worst things a person can do is to assume that she can make a promise and keep it by her own will.
It was vital to us to have the support of our community as well as their witness to our marriage. There are many stresses on a couple throughout life and numerous ways that the community helps to enable the couple to meet the challenge of coping with stress. People are often very happy about the wedding, but we felt it was important to call their attention to the fact that we needed their support as we stepped into this new life together. We not only wrote our own vows to each other, but we also asked for commitments from those present at the wedding. Our pastor did a beautiful job of helping us with this; and I will forever appreciate that aspect of his help with our wedding. It changed the way that I relate to the community.
I could keep writing, but I am getting a bit off the topic of why we chose marriage… I’ll leave some of this for another post.
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This is a beautiful statement that makes so much sense to me. Obviously, the ideas of love and commitment are important, but the recognition that a marriage must be supported, not only by the couple, but also by those in the couple’s immediate circle, is a powerful and accurate statement. … I’ve been married for almost 17 years, and over time, there have been lots of things–both great and small that have stressed my marriage with my wife. If we were just cohabitating, it would be so much easier to walk away, but since we made a commitment to ourselves, to each other and to many others, we had much more at stake. We also had lots of caring people in our circle (my family, her family, our shared friends, etc.) who were all there to support us at different times, and none of this could have been there if we were merely cohabitants. Sarah, a beautiful, accurate and provocative post.